Letting Go

Hi blog:) 

These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster for me in the best and worst ways possible all at once. 

I cannot seem to shake the looming feeling that my childhood is over. Nostalgia seems to creep up on me like an old part of myself that I lost and come close to being again, but it’s just out of my grasp. 

At surface level, losing my childhood dog of 17 years is definitely an unfortunate event, but to me, it’s hitting harder than I expected.

As ambitious as I am regarding the future, I’ve always feared the idea of growing up. Change has been an unwelcome guest in my life, manifesting itself in the form of bottled up anxiety and irrational thoughts. I worry about forgetting who I am and where my roots lie. I dwell on how things once were and how they will never be this way again. 

When I look behind me to see how far I’ve come, I feel nostalgia for a much simpler and naive version of the person I am today. I find myself seeking refuge in the comfort of places and things that are familiar to my heart. 

I often catch myself feeling intense longing for a life I no longer live. However, doing so only stalls my growth and my continued discovery of my own purpose and sense of self. 

Helping my family make the mature decision to let go of my sweet, old pup was incredibly tough for me, but I cannot help but see the symbolism in it. Keeping things in my life around for the sake of putting off a heartbreaking “goodbye” only makes the heartache worse, as it is essentially anticipated grief. 

Laying in the sun with my poor, tired little dog one last time felt like an official farewell to my inner child that was so fearful of change and goodbyes. I have come to realize over the past few days that the old memories I cherish so greatly that were lived by the person I once was will always reside in my heart and serve as guidance for my next adventure.

Upon my recent acceptance of change, I have realized that I should invite it into my life, instead of seeing it as unwelcome and pushing it away. 

I will always love the girl that I was growing up. Sometimes I wish I could give her a hug and tell her it will all be okay, and that growing up is a humbling and rewarding experience. To love something so much and still be able to realize when it is time to let go is what keeps life moving forward, and allows us to be ever-changing and evolving into better versions of ourselves. 

I am still learning, still making mistakes, and still not the best at welcoming change into my life. One simple epiphany about a complex and intense emotion that I’ve felt all my life is not enough to transform my perspective completely, but it’s a start.

So yes, I am heartbroken. Im grieving the first pet I ever loved; the one that watched me embark on my first day of kindergarten and was still there to see me walk in the door after my second year of college. However, I’ve made some peace with myself  in knowing that he will always be a part of who I am, just as my past self will always be. 

To my sweet dog Rex and to the Ava that grew up alongside him, I love you and I will always carry you in my heart. Etched in my heart forever are the lessons, the love, and the memories that have shaped me into who I am in the present.

Change can hurt sometimes, but it is healthy and necessary. Do not be afraid to say goodbye to a life you once lived to make space for a life you have yet to live. 

-Ava Jean