Taking My Life Back

Hello old friend, let me reintroduce myself. My name is Ava, and I’m an 18 (almost 19) year old student at Kalamazoo College. I’m the same girl as I was last time I wrote in the summer: same brown hair, same bubbly personality, same zest for life, only this time, I’m the best version of myself mentally, and that has been a process to achieve.

I am writing this entry on the bus ride to a swim meet about 2 hours away in Alma. Personally, this is the perfect time for me to reflect, as it mirrors the exact circumstances I was in when everything reached its peak, and I lost myself for a little while.

When your mind begins to tell you things that aren’t real, things that are definitely not logical,

is when you lose control. Constantly jumping right to the worst possible scenario is something at which I became a pro. Life began to feel like a challenge every day. Every morning I would wake up and wonder what my mind would put my body through that day; how many times I would have to remove myself from normal situations just to hide my panic from others so as not to humiliate myself when my inner turmoil became exposed for others to see.

I began to realize how much control my anxiety had over my everyday life when a simple invitation to hang out with a friend became a step by step thought process of the obstacles I would have to overcome to participate.

Let’s see, first you have to ride in a car…nope can’t do that without panicking that I might get sick. Then we are going to get food in public…but what if I panic and can’t swallow my food and cause a scene? Then we are going to their friend’s dorm… but what if I feel anxious there and they can tell? You will look so stupid and weak. Just don’t go and save yourself the trouble.

This negative self-talk became my defense mechanism against facing reality; a reality that I made up completely in my head but that managed to consume every bit of my life until it had eaten away at the most simple moments and made them events for which I had to prepare myself in advance just to be able to attempt them.

I have always been an independent person, but leaving for college was difficult for me, as I have lived in the same house my whole life, and I am incredibly close with my parents. It’s been the 3 of us for as long as I’ve been alive, and college meant leaving my comfortable situation and venturing out into the unknown that lay before me. It definitely took some time for me to get acclimated with my new life, and get over the brief period of homesickness that I endured. Being constantly surrounded by others yet still feeling so lonely is an odd feeling that is hard to fathom, but that is college, at least for the first few months.

I started to feel the most lonely when I began to believe that I was the only one experiencing these problems. Everyone else seemed so stable while I was fighting to tackle each daily task that others complete with ease.

My support system

Sometimes life is hard (that is quite the understatement). However, the people in your life that aid you in these difficult times are what will prompt you to take your first step in the right direction for getting help.

I am so very lucky to have the people in my life that I do. On numerous occasions, my parents, Dean, my friends, and my teammates helped me to get through tough moments and encouraged me to keep pushing through them, as they reminded me that life would always get better.

They were right. Today, I have taken incredible strides to achieve the current mindset and stability which I now possess. I’m riding on a bus and in cars without panicking. I eat three whole meals a day without forcing myself to swallow each bite. I enjoy times with my friends and teammates because I am focusing on being present, not on getting through each moment and watching the clock move from one excruciating minute to the next. I am thriving, but it was not always like this.

Reflecting on this time in my life, I realize that I was wrong about many things. Nobody was ever judging me. Nothing bad was ever going to happen. But most of all, I was wrong about being alone. Along with those who have supported me, I have also spoken with others who have gone through similar rough patches and have managed to prevail by taking steps to combat the intrusive thoughts.

I am so proud of myself for the progress that I’ve made. Many tough decisions, hard conversations, and uncomfortable situations led up to this point, but I wouldn’t be here in the mental state that I am today without any of it.

My point in sharing this is to let you, whoever you are, know that you are not alone. Whether your struggle is mild and only affects you occasionally, or it is debilitating, controlling your daily life, there is always someone else going through the same situation, thinking that they too are alone.

I am always here to talk; I’m here to listen; I’m here to provide advice or even just someone to remind you that you are not crazy for feeling this way, as I wished I had in the midst of my struggle.

So whoever you are, whatever mental state you are currently in, I’m with you, I understand you, and I love you. You’ve got this.

I am going to try to start blogging more often, as this new year for the first time truly marks a new me.

As always,thank you so much for reading.

Ava Jean :)